According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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