My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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