just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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