So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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