Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
