Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
