I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
