they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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