Umm I'm too high to move.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
