They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
