every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
