Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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