He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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