Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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