Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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