I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
