Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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