Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
