Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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