I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
