I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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