there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
