I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
