he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
