seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
