im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
try to milk me bitch
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
