hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
