Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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