I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Randomize
