My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize