She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
