I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
