in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
