So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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