This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
