Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
