Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
