I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
