Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
