tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
