i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
