So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i think my cat just said my name.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
