I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
