everyone is single if you try hard enough
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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