is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
