I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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