My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
