I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize