My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He passed out mid-signature
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
