dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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