I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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