Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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