Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
