the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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