Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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