my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize